Anglicans all set to buy babies

Scientists have created artificial sperm in a Newcastle laboratory. Paddy Power betting-site are accepting wagers on which celebrity will be the first to be impregnated by this wonderful discovery. Many single Anglican women will now be able to buy a bottle and have a baby without tarnishing their reputations. Although this is a liberating breakthrough, Paddy Power are also taking bets on which stuffy old man will be the first to condemn these women for having a baby out of a jar.
The odds are:

Archbishop of Westminster 11/8

Archbishop of Canterbury 8/4

The Pope 3/1

The Dalai Lama 4/1

Since Rowan Williams already has a family, he should be sympathetic to childless women. But the other three old celibates should keep their mouths shut. Just because they haven't been pregnant, doesn't mean other celibates can't buy a family.

Viagraville hits Anaheim

Members of the Viagra Church in Kenya are spying on the Episcopal Church's General Convention meeting at present in Anaheim. They are attending in order to write reports of total abuse and to be as horrible as they possibly can. Since they, as Africans, are not members of TEC they have gone incognito so as to go unnoticed. From left to right they are:
Goofy Griffith
Donald (Sarah Hey) Duck
Mattie & Minnie Kennedy

Dean Phillip Jensen writes.........

As the world's leading exponent of God's Infallible Word, I am often asked what is my opinion of Christian Unity. I naturally refer my fellow-Baptists to what God says about this thorny subject.
John 10 v30 "Father may they be One as Thou art in me". When Our Lord spoke these infallible words one must take into account the sitz im lieben
At the time of this prayer, Australia was an undiscovered wasteland inhabited only by pagan aborigines. When God brought civilisation to this forsaken backwater, He led us to found the One True Church of which I am the leading member. Our Faith is based upon the Infallibility of the 39 Articles which God inspired in the 16th Century. Anyone not subscribing to these Divine Edicts is destined to be bitten by "gnashing teeth" (Luke 13 v28).
Christian Unity can only be achieved by submission to Mr Cranmer.
Baptists like myself are always vigilant that we do not lead people into error. My advice is to stay away from any meeting attended by an Anglican or a Roman Catholic. Anglicans are a hotbed of homosexualist sodomites, whilst the Roman Catholic Church can still accurately be described as the Whore of Babylon, Scarlet Woman, and Italian Slut.
Salvation can only be achieved by heeding every single word spoken in God's Word - and every sermon preached by myself and my Baptist brother Pete (who, unfortunately is more famous and despised than I).
My advice on Christian Unity is to proclaim hatred to anyone who doesn't agree with ME!
For a larger transcript of my Christian sentiments you can click here.

Gay Cure Found! What Joy!

All right-wing evangelicals will support Hindu Guru Swami "Baba" Remdev in his assertion that Yoga can turn gay people straight. He makes the claim in an appeal to overturn a ruling last week which legalised homosexuality in India. He argues that homosexuality is a curable disease and that sufferers could seek a cure."It can be treated like any other congenital defect. Such tendencies can be treated by yoga, pranayam and other meditation techniques," he says. Right-wing evangelicals will regard this news as a mixed blessing. The fact that wicked deviants can be cured by wrapping their legs behind their necks is good news. But leaving the Lord Jesus out of the equation is not so good. All Evangelicals know that mental health professionals have declassified homosexuality as an 'illness', and regard it as part of a normal phenomenon on a sexuality spectrum. But bible-bashers need to make gay people feel so guilty that the only alternative to suicide is becoming "born-again". If a Hindu can have the same effect, where does that leave God's True Word? This amazing discovery might even make some right-wing evangelicals redundant with no gays left to send on a guilt trip.

"Queen Elizabeth is like Hitler" say "Stand Firm" Viagrans

Viagrans are getting confused about the role of the Monarch in the British Constitution. Her Majesty is referred to as our "Queen by Divine Grace". Or as a Viagran describes her: "She has no accomplishments either intellectual, spiritual, or humanitarian that set her apart from thousands and thousands of other ordinary people. She is extraordinarily simple".
This 'Christian' description of our Head of State is hardly flattering, despite Her Majesty being highly respected and loved by her British subjects. But the vulgar Viagran goes on to suggest that the theory of "Divine grace" applies to Joseph Stalin and Adolf Hitler, as well as Her Majesty. "Joseph Stalin and Adolf Hitler were in their position and place by divine grace They are not ipso facto worthy of any special respect which sets them apart from the rest of humanity." says a Stand Firm writer.
This is extraordinary coming from a Stand Firm fan. One would have thought that Nazis and Stalinists would be role models for the right-wing conservative blog which thinks it's part of some superior Master Race.

How to raise the Dead

What can a "failed" priest, who gets the boot from the Church of England, possibly do afterwards with his God-given talents? Ex-Rev Mark Townsend became a pagan magician and sorcerer! This is the obvious choice for someone who is no longer a Vicar. As a member of the Independent Association of Celebrants, Mark can not only bury your loved one, but make them levitate at their funeral! (right). Also, he is popular in many schools where he appears as a Wizard, and confounds kids with amazing tricks. For those with a more spiritual yearning, Mark conducts Retreats - as a Druid. There is no end to his appeal.
He has performed for nuns, African Masai warriors and to congregations across Britain. If you want to add some fun to your Church, why not get him to levitate your congregation and stick them on the ceiling? There is no end to what an unemployed clergyman can find to do.

Anglo-Catholics depressed with new Pope

Anglo-Catholics attending this week's Focker meeting seem to have been disabused of its aims. Rather than showing a united front with happy-clappys, they have come away feeling despondent after "Confessing Anglicans" revealed their ugly evangelical face. The event turned into a "representation of the tired and clapped out arguments of the 16th century" according to Fr Ross Northing. "Views being expressed were barely Anglican and were more akin to a Baptist/Pentecostalist mindset" he says.
Fr Edward Tomlinson concurs: "No real desire was shown to include Anglo-Catholics. The worship, style, presenters, intercessors all reflected an evangelical mindset."
It was naive of Anglo-Catholics to expect an 'inclusive' welcome from the Anglican Calvinists who don't accept Catholics as real Christians. Of primary importance to Anglo- Catholics is unity with the See of Peter (or Whore of Babylon, if you are happy-clappy). On that, the evangelicals can agree. But the "Peter" has to be Pete Jensen, a Minister from Sydney who doesn't believe in Unity with anybody except himself and his large family of Baptist Ministers. Anyone not in Unity with the Jensens is the Anti-Christ.

Question of the day

Civil rights leader Reverend Al Sharpton gave a fiery speech, telling Jackson’s children: “There weren’t nothing strange about your daddy. “It was strange what your daddy had to deal with but he dealt with it"

Question: "What does one have to do to be "strange"?

Bishop looking for Young Men

Always one to take the Scriptures literally, Minister Al Stewart is shown here following Our Lord's edict "Follow me and I will make you fishers of....fish"
Al says:"I am absolutely committed to inspiring, recruiting, equipping and placing young men with a passion for church planting and reaching the lost" Al has been appointed Minister to Young Men in Sydney's Baptist Mission. Young women don't count in Sydney, except for making the after-service orange juice, and making babies with their Minister husbands. Al recognises that young men are not constrained by denominational boundaries and Church Tradition. They are only seeking a Calvinist Jesus, which means they can criticise all other non-Christian Churches like the Church of England. Recently, gambling addict Mr Pete Jensen - who was a Young Man many years ago - left his Baptist Mission to tell Britain it had lost its soul. If you are a young man in Sydney, beware of this bald angler. He may try to ensnare you on his hook and brainwash you.

Off with his head!

Her Majesty is livid with the Fockers. Barking mad Canon Chris Sugden (left) went on BBC radio and said the Queen "understood their concerns” in a letter sent to the anti-gay brigade. It had been implied she was sending greetings to yesterday's schismatic meeting in Methodist Central Hall. But the letter was simply a polite reply to greetings she'd received from GAFCON in Jerusalem a year ago! And similar formal greetings were sent yesterday.
Buckingham Palace is "incandescent with rage", whilst Viagrans got excited because they thought they had Royal patronage! Her Majesty was hardly likely to desire the break-up of the Church of which she's Supreme Governor. But in trying to pretend they have the Queen on their side the Fockers have egg on their schismatic faces.
Send Sugden to the Tower! (right)

Sweat & Tears

When a bible-believing fundamentalist attends a schismatic meeting (like those pictured, right, at yesterday's Focker rally) he should always carry some under-arm deodorant. There's nothing worse for an Anglo-Catholic to have to sit next to a sweaty evangelical who can only worship exposing his armpits. Now that schismatic Catholics are united with happy-clappys, they'll have to get used to arm-waving at High Mass. Let's hope they don't fall out next because they don't like the smell of each other.

Church has new Leader Shock

Church House, Westminster (left) has elected a new Chief Executive to run the Church of England's administrative affairs. According to the Bishop of Fulham, Satan is now fully in charge and is expected to have a wide influence in running the Church. "I now believe Satan is alive and well and he resides at Church House." says Bishop John Broadhurst.
Mr Satan is known to lead us into temptation. One of his devious ruses is to promote the idea of women Bishops. Bishop Broadhurst would have to become a Roman Catholic if that happens. He chooses, however, not to unite with the Pope, but with barmy evangelicals who believe women are like slaves.
Satan has also led some Anglicans to treat everyone equally. This disgusting concept is a result of secular society's mis-guided "anti-discrimination" laws. If Mr Satan has his way, Anglicans will find themselves prosecuted simply for spreading hatred and division.

Spot the difference

Mr Jensen "saves Britain" - the whole nation yawns

One of the world's most famous gamblers has called for the "soul of the (British) nation to be saved" at a rally of schismatics in London. Mr Peter Jensen, a Baptist Minister from Sydney, was astonished to be sharing a platform with some Anglo-Catholic Bishops, as he tried to convert them to Jesus. "The culture of the West has adopted and promulgated anti-Christian belief and practice" says the man who lost his Diocese $100 million.
Mr Jensen and his happy-clappy co-religionists have joined forces with gay-loving Anglo-Catholics, irate over the prospect of women Bishops. Although both groups hate women clergy, they hate each other even more. Mr Jensen faints at the sight of a chasuble. Yet he has joined forces with vestment-wearing Bishops who know that Mr Jensen hates their Popish practices and devotion to only one woman - Our Lady.
When the fellowship of a Church group is built, not on devotion to Our Lord, but mutual hatred of women, gays and each other, it is destined to fail. The idea that a group of two warring factions can bring salvation to the nation is completely delusional. Mr Jensen should go home and sort out his finances.

Gas your enemies

"Post-gay" Revd Peter Ould is excited that the schismatic 'anglicans' are meeting today. However, he takes exception to "white liberals" (i.e. me) who "make pathetic insulting racist jokes about comparing worshipping Christians with Nazis" (see post below).
I seem to remember the man on the right didn't like gays either.

(I am revising this post as Mr Ould rightly objects to a comparison with Hitler. It was the Feuhrer who gassed gays. Mr Ould only wants to do what the Royal College of Psychiatrists say is impossible. Get the Bible to "cure" them..... like it did for him!).
ADDENDUM:
The Revd Colin Coward wrote: "On his blog entitled “Will Gene (Robinson) perform Hocus Pocus?” Peter Ould describes the Eucharist as ‘hocus pocus’.
Why do Peter Ould and Anglican Mainstream report in such a malicious and un-Christian way?
.......The motive of Peter Ould is malicious.......He has shown himself to be un-Christian in motive and attitude...... he is acting in an un-Christian way by trying to denigrate other Christians.....bear false witness, spread rumours. We are followers of Jesus Christ for whom telling the truth and not bearing false witness against our neighbour are cardinal virtues. Not so Peter Ould." Wow!! Strong words, Fr Colin.

Foreign Bishop "outed"

Bishop Michael Nazir Ali has hypocritically failed to live up to his call for gays to "Change and repent". After spending years under the inclement English weather, the Pakistan-born Bishop's skin colour is no whiter than when he first came.
Dr Nazir Ali has spent years trying to be like a Church of England Bishop.. Traditionally, they have been noted for their national characteristics of tolerance, fair play, and live-and-let-live attitudes. Nazir Ali has failed abysmally in his attempts to live like an English gentleman. Under the respectable veneer, lurks an unreconstructed foreigner. His inability to change either race or attitudes shows the Gospel's limitations in effecting "change and repentance". He has failed to become a white, middle-class Englishman. In returning to his native Pakistan, he may have to accept that he is simply what God made him. He can then mix freely with a myriad of mad mullahs and blend in quite easily.